Hi there! Okay, I need some more parenting advice. I am the first to admit that I am not a professional mom yet, and I can't do this all by myself! When I'm at a loss, I turn to all you other moms out there.
So my latest struggle has been with my sweet/stubborn 3-year-old. She can be the nicest, sweetest little thing one minute, and the next minute she is crazed, defiant preschooler. I don't know if this is normal for most 3-year-olds (this is my first time with one, after all), but seriously, she has THE WORST tantrums! The biggest issue is when we ask her to do anything - I mean, ANYTHING. Something as simple as, "let's put your shoes on." It's like she just chooses an issue to be defiant on, and n-o-t-h-i-n-g will deter her.
I have an example of just how stubborn Aiva is. This was quite some time ago, but it is a good example. We were in the grocery store, and she didn't want to sit in the cart, so I was buckling her in tighter, and she hit me, so I took to a corner in the store, and made her sit in "time out" until she had calmed down. She did, and thinking to myself, "man am I good at this" I resumed my shopping. After about ten seconds, Aiva started swinging her arms and legs, trying to hit me again, very deliberately, and said, "Mommy, come closer. I want to hit you so I can go back to time out." Oh. My. Heck. I had to just back away and pretend to be very interested in cheese to not lose it in the middle of the store. My little toddler had outsmarted me.
I have tried every method of discipline I can think of during these episodes. I stick her in time-out. I hold her firmly in my lap, with the promise that I'll let go when she calms down (sometimes this one comes to a halt because she bites or head-butts me). She is NOT usually this physical, but she has her moments. Usually it's just constant screaming that won't quit. I've tried taking away her favorite blanket and pillow. And after a long, draw-out battle I can usually manage to get her out of her fit, but when another tantrum is triggered, we're back at square one. I can't seem to figure out how to stop the tantrum without resorting to every trick in the book to get her out of it! And too often I end up using my last resort - spanking. She drives it on and on and on until that point. And I HATE spanking. And the threat of a spanking doesn't defer her in the slightest.
So I just had a thought . . . I think that I need to divide the discipline into 2 stages: #1 - somehow snapping her out of the fit. #2 - discipline deserved for the actual behavior. When she's in the middle of her tantrums, she's just not in the mindset to learn anything, so I'm thinking that I've got to do the actual discipline afterward, when she's thinking clearly and can actually "get it."
I DO just put her in her room a lot and tell her she can come out when she's calm, but there are situations where that just doesn't work. Like, we're in a hurry to go somewhere, or we're not at home.
So please help me! She just is not responding to the traditional stuff. And I'm pretty good at follow-through. If I threaten her with something, I follow it out. I won't threaten something I don't mean. But I need some creative discipline ideas. Especially ideas of how to snap her out of the fits. My mom gave me one: throwing a bit of water from a glass into her face.
I'm open to anything! Help me!!!!
P.S. I feel almost bad posting this, because Aiva has been a good girl today. I just put her down for bed. She helped me clean her room. She said her prayers. And after lights were out, I sang to her while she laid her head in my lap and I stroked her hair. Moments like that make me wonder where the other ones come from???? Sigh . . .
6 comments:
i know my mom threw a glass of water in my face when I was having a tantrum, she said it only took once and I listened the next time...so maybe it will work!! Good luck. Cam will be gone all next week. Maybe we could find a day to meet up. Let me knwo!
I have a lot of thoughts.... have no idea if they would work for Aiva or not, since every child is different. One thought that I have right now that I will share. This has to do with the discipline not the tantrums. which you are right they are totally two different issues. So each and every child I don't care who they are values something.... You might have to really think about what it is for your child, but they do value (even at age 3) So one of the methods that tends to work best around our house is to take away the very thing they value. This works for my 9 yr old, 7 yr old and 3 yr old. They hate having privledges/toys/trips to park/or whatever it is taken away. Give them a warning that if they don't do what you are asking you are going to take away________. Then when they don't do it because lets face it they probably wont, you take away the priv. When they are sad and upset because they don't get to have or do whatever it is you keep telling them over and over the reason why they didn't receive reward. Repitition is always important. Then when they are behaving and are getting to have or do the things they want you can continually say something like "Aiva you are acting so good isn't it so fun to have__________ because you are behaving so well?" you get the basic idea. Be sure to "catch" them being good and reward them for such acts. Just some ideas. As for the tantrums I have some thoughts if you are interested I just thought it would take too long to type them out :) Good luck!
I am having similar struggles with Marie. She does not have a conscience, I swear. So here are my thoughts ...
Lots and lots and lots of FHE lessons on obedience. Do you have the nursery manual at home? If not I would HIGHLY recommend getting one and using it for your lessons. It is fabulous. It has a handful of lessons that are perfect for this.
Second is an idea I've been brewing up to use for Marie, as well. She has been such a little stinker lately.
Make a chart with each day of the week on it and 4-6 happy faces next to each day. Whenever Marie throws a fit, or whenever I get to the count of 3 after asking her to do something I will give her a time out and cross out a smiley face. At the end of each week we will sit down and count how many happy faces she still has. I am still refining the reward system, but I am thinking that she will get coins or tickets for each happy face that remains and she can trade them for a trip to go get ice cream or a new toy or computer time or Wii time, etc. You could also just say 1-5 happy faces gets a piece of candy, 6-10 gets a new toy, 11-15 gets a mommy/daughter date or something like that.
The key is to focus on the positive as much as possible, but also not just ignore the negative behavior. I think this would work because you are immediately addressing the bad behavior by crossing out the happy faces and reinforcing the good behavior by rewarding it at the end of the week. Of course, you would also want to reinforce the good behavior immediately with comments like, "Thank you so much for putting your shoes on." "Aiva, you are such a good helper for sitting in the cart at the store." or whatever.
Finally, I can reassure you that it does get better, not perfect but better. I remember being at a loss with William when he was 3 and having to use lots of incentives and stuff. He is so much better now. I love the age of 5.
Good luck and keep us updated! I know I for one am always on the look out for parenting techniques that are tried and true.
Last week Ari threw an enormous fit. I somehow managed to get her hat, coat, and slippers on her and put her on the steps in the garage. I turned on the light in there and told her she may not treat me like that nor act that way in my home. I told her she was welcome to knock on the interior door when she was ready to behave herself in our home. She sat there a few minutes and then knocked and came inside. I don't remind my kids of their poor behavior after a timeout. I just cuddle them. It only took once. And it stopped RJ in his tracks too. I also do not permit sass. It annoys me to death. I get quiet, serious and firm. In a low voice I tell them, ''Try again'' if they still don't correct themselves (I believe kids absolutely know when they've crossed a line and how)''you MAY NOT speak to me that way. I am your mother. Say, I'm sorry, Mommy.'' I repeat this last part over and over and over until they apologize. Then I thank them and we move on as thoug nothing has happened. NOTE: this is how I'm supposed to do it. This is what works with MY kids. Sometimes I'm the one that forgets. And when I don't do this, we all fall apart. I do what works for my family. I hope you find what worksfor yours. The best advice I've ever read about kids is: watch what happens after the behavior-good or bad-that's why they do what they do. My mom (mother of 8) told me most kids misbehave/whine when they are hungry, thirsty, or tired. Yea verily. That's when I misbehave/whine. :) good luck! Know I'm frequently in the same boat, usually bawling to Dave. :) (p.s. I'm typing this on my phone. Please forgive any errors.)
Elise, we are struggling with the same thing with Faith. And, it's been so hard. She's gotten so bad that she runs around when she's really lost it screaming, "I want to break things! I want to hit people! I want to be a grumpy grump!" And hit, and scream, and break she does. It's been awful! And I finally resorted to spanking the other day when I lost it too. And I cried myself a river after. I am so against it and I just couldn't believe I was to that limit of discipline because like with you...nothing worked. And even spanking her brought me to tears but didn't even faze her and she kept on doing it. So, I'll tell you what Adam and I did about two weeks ago, and so far it's work. For how long...I don't know. But Adam finally said, "Aubs, I think she is just thriving off the negative attention." So we decided that the next big tantrum (which happened to be that same night) we would completely ignore it regardless of what she did. The only way we would step in and intervene would be if she hurt her sister. So for an hour she ran around the house screaming and throwing and breaking things and we completely ignored it all. Then we went to bed ignoring her and then for 20 minutes I took a serious beating from my child. She climbed up on my bed and hit me over and over. She hit me with her stool, the remote, the pumus stone and we'd causally take each from her hands without looking at her and continue ignoring her. I had my pillow over my head too to block some of the blows (because it hurt!). Then eventually she just broke down. She sobbed! And it was then that I knelt over and picked her up and held her. I told her while holding her that this was the little girl that I was willing to give attention too and that I loved her and that we just want her to be able to express her feelings better. And after she had a good cry, she was calm and she hasn't had a massive tantrum since. And I have tried really hard since to give her LOTS of positive attention. So we will see how long it lasts. Good luck to both of us :)
I forgot to also tell you that we started a chart as well. There are 7 slots and in each slot is a green, yellow and red card. When she is bad, after a warning, she has to pull the green card. And then if it continues, she has to pull the yellow card. So at the end of the day we see which color is remaining. If it's a green then she gets to put 2 coins in her piggy bank, and if it's yellow she gets to put 1 coin in and if it's red then no coins. When the piggy is "full" we will go get her a new toy for her good behavior.
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